Bumper Cars

I’m all for putting a little personality into your vehicle. The spare tire on the back of my jeep has a huge Cubs tire cover over it. At one point in my life I had personalized license plates as well, which extolled my status as a Jedi (nothing gets a guy laid quicker than having the words Jedi on his license plates, let me tell you!).

I think Calvin peeing on the symbol for a competitor’s truck is clever and the decal that makes it look like there’s a baseball lodged in your rear window is funny. My problem is the bumper stickers.

No one and I do mean no one at all cares that your kid is an honor roll student or what school little Timmy or Sally goes to either. For that matter, no one cares that your kid can beat up an honor student either. Why not just save time and get a bumper sticker that says, Hey Pedophiles, For a Good Time, Follow Me Home and Wait Until I Leave Little Timmy Alone!

I see you voted for John Kerry. That’s a nice bumper sticker. The election was over four years ago. Let it go. Bush sucked, that’s not in question, but Kerry was a weasel too so don’t sit all high and mighty about a vote you cast a lifetime ago.

It’s nice that you love your schnauzer, but how does that affect my life? If you love your schnauzer so much that you plaster a bumper sticker on a car to profess that love, there’s probably something unnatural about it and maybe you need to see someone to help you with that problem.

If I can read your bumper sticker then I’m following you too closely, huh? That’s clever. Maybe if you didn’t kick your brake more often than you might your ugly red-headed step child, we wouldn’t be having this conversation though.

If I don’t like your driving I should call 1-800-EAT-SHIT? Is that right? Well I don’t like your driving, but I prefer to express my frustration with a tire iron and a bad attitude at the next stop light. If you’d thrown a please into your request, I might have gone along with it, but I have trouble taking orders—especially from people who haven’t mastered the art of driving.

Your other car is a Porsche huh? That’s nice. Porsches are for pricks. Your other car is a broomstick? Oh, I get it, you’re a witch huh? That’s nice, now drive away before I go all Salem on your wart covered ass!

You go from Zero to Bitch in 0.6 seconds? That’s impressive, and convenient since 0.6 seconds is the exact amount of time I need to punch someone in the mouth and laugh while they spit out their teeth.

Putting a little personality into your car is one thing, but advertising the fact that you’re a moron is just plain foolish and let’s face it, most bumper stickers are moronic. It’s time to peel those suckers off and join the human race. Your schnauzer can’t read, so I promise he won’t mind. If your kid’s self esteem is based on whether or not you display a sticker proclaiming him or her as smart, you’ve got some serious problems (besides, they put any kid who doesn’t shit themselves more than three times a year on the honor roll now a days). If your politics define you as a person, that definition is not alive.

So please, for the sake of all of us who have to share the roads with you, do us all a favor and peel the damn sticker off. They don’t make you funny or witty or clever. They make you look foolish and moronic. And they make me want to hit your bumper hard so you’ll have to get a new one.

Then again, what do I know? I’m just a fanboy who’s team hasn’t won it all in 100 years.