Thursday, August 21, 2008

License to kill

So a bunch of college presidents have recently gotten together and suggested they lower the legal drinking age to 18 from 21 and there’s been a big uproar over the subject. I happen to think that being old enough to die for your country and being able to have a beer should probably coincide, but those pesky mothers against drunk driving don’t agree—as militant former soccer mom’s rarely do.

I say they should throw the whole age limit out the door though. Let’s go Festivus on their asses and base all privileges in our country on the ultimate test, the Feats of Strength!

Wanna get a drivers license? Okay, fine. All you have to do is parallel park at high speed, while on your cell phone answering difficult questions, being simultaneously beeped at by the cars in front and back of you and shot at by volunteer gang members, who need target practice, using rubber bullets (this way they’ll be better able to hit their intended targets and not 4 year old kids). Do all that in 15 seconds and you can handle anything the road might throw at you. Here’s your license!

Want to be able to drink legally? No problem. The test is a simple one. Just do a 60 second keg stand followed by bending over and spinning yourself around a baseball bat 20 times like they do at picnics. If after your 20th spin, you don’t hurl and can pass a field sobriety test, you’re old enough to drink.

Want to vote? Sure thing! Pop Quiz Time! Name 3 amendments from the Bill of Rights and explain how we’ve allowed our government to bastardize them. Got that part down? Awesome! Now explain 2 issues you have with each political party (fucktards with blind loyalty to one party regardless of issues will not be allowed to vote). Ace that? That’s great! Now for the final test, spell potato! Did you add an extra e? So sorry, you can’t vote or be vice president now!

Want a marriage license? No problem. Man and Woman, Man and Man, Woman and Woman, Man and Llama—doesn’t matter. Have at least 3 years of continual dating without breakup under your belt, provide witnesses to no less than 5 fights you’ve had that you were able to work through without breakup—or threat of breakup; and bring in signed and notarized contracts signed by each mother in law in which they promise, under penalty of imprisonment that they will never criticize your spouse in any way, shape or form (including eye rolls, pffts, passive aggressive behavior, or talking behind your back).

Want a gun license? Sure thing! Just demonstrate your ability to use a lock and key, your ability to unload a gun when it’s not in use, an ability to reach up to a height that a child cannot reach and have an IQ of 100 or better. That’s it! Sorry rednecks! Pay more tension in skool and you can go back to huntin all youse wants to, but being able to spell the word gun is going to be a prerequisite for owning one from now on!

See that? Age has nothing to do with it! Turning 18 or 21 or 74 doesn’t bring with it any magical abilities to do something that you couldn’t do before. There is no such thing as a maturity switch, or an intelligence switch, for that matter. Let’s throw all these age limits out the door and start some rigorous testing instead! You want it? Earn it! Bring back the true American spirit instead of making a random age of choice one of entitlement. It’s time to institute the feats of strength into our licensing system! Come on America! What do you say????


PenguinsWalkAmoungUs said...

I say it's a beautiful thought, but unfortunately our country is getting dumber, more hedonistic, and more me-centric every passing day. Soon enough, no one will be able to handle anything.
We're heading for that dystopian image of the future embraced by every science fiction film since the advent of the motion picture.

Wendie said...

Very well said. Age is really just a number. It does not equal maturity and intelligence.