Gold Medal Winning Olympian Dorks

I really thought I’d be hard-pressed to find something that looks even more foolish than Bob Costas’ purple hair at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, but sure enough, last night, I found that something.

It’s what I’d like to go ahead and coin, the Chi-Five, which is much like a high-five, only performed with two hand instead of the more traditional one and, of course, it’s done by a male Chinese gymnast.

Now, perhaps I’m wrong to think that a gymnast should be…well, coordinated, and after watching these guys do their gymnasticy things (sorry folks, even if I did know the different disciplines involved, I could have my guy card permanently revoked for listing them here, so gymnasticy things is as good as you’re going to get!) I can say for certain that these guys are definitely amazing athletes and coordination, at least when doing gymnasticy things, is not an issue.

That being said, these guys couldn’t perform a proper high five if their lives depended on it! I’m sorry to say that while the Chinese men may have won gold in team gymnastics last night, they wouldn’t even finish in medal contention in high-fivery. It was a sad, sad display they put on my friends.

So, in true Olympic style, let me score it for you:

Technique- The two handed high five must be accurate and well timed. The level of difficulty is higher because of the added pressure of multiple targets and misfiring on one of the two high fives is enough to destroy the entire routine. If hand-eye coordination is disrupted in celebratory jubilation, this move could be disasterous.

Judges Score: 1 (of a possible 5)


Style- The two handed high-five is a high level of difficulty trick because of the always present possibility of looking like a complete and total dork. The two handed high five must be done aggressively and with gusto. A proper two handed high five is not a hit and run high five, the hands should clasp momentarily, muscles should be flexed and ideally, it should almost always be followed by a chest bump.

Judges Score: 1 (out of possible 5)


As you witnessed, I’m sure, the Chinese hardly qualify for a medal in celebratory displays. They were sloppy in their aim, often coming close to missing one or both hands entirely. Their technique was effeminate—even considering the fact that they are male gymnasts—and the quickness with which they performed their celebration made you wonder exactly what pollution-caused disease they were all afraid of catching from one and other.

They may be world class gymnasts, but for the love of God, fellas! Let’s spend ten minutes a day practicing our high fives huh? Let’s not look like a bunch of amateurs in our finest hours okay?

Fortunately for the Chinese men, they were saved from owning the greatest portion of the embarrassment spotlight by the boys in blue from my home country of the USA. While it’s true, our boys had all obviously mastered the subtle intricacies of the various high five styles and techniques, they went ahead and ruined it by opening their mouths.

Memo To USA Male Gymnasts: You are a bunch of white, suburban, ken-dollesque looking people, at no point in time should you feel the need to let the entire viewing world know that “this is how we roll!”

And even if you feel the undeniable urge to let us know once, please, please, please, do not repeatedly stick your head into the camera frame and remind us over and over and over again!

I actually found myself compelled by the little pep talks the cocky kid from the US was giving the team throughout the competition. I’ve given similar talks to teams in huddles of basketball and baseball teams. For the first time in my life, I was identifying with a male gymnast and it was kind of cool, but then the ultra preppy kid with plastic haircut had to keep letting us know how, in fact, they liked to roll.

I couldn’t help but smile when they won the bronze medal against all odds, knowing that each member of that team is going to someday show the footage of that event to his grandkids proudly, except for the one who couldn’t manage to say anything other than, “that’s how we roll!”

I’m sure he’s too drunk on Apple Martini’s today to really care, but someday soon, that poor kid is going to watch a tape of the coverage of the games and come to the startling conclusion that he’s a) white; b) not even remotely hip enough to pull off a “that’s how we roll” and c) officially lost any tiny spec of street cred he may have, at one time had (and let’s remember folks, this is a male gymnast we’re talking about here!).

But this is the true spirit of the Olympic Games! International cooperation and camaraderie! Bob Costas looks like a purple haired, wanna-be, over botoxed goth grampa and the Chinese male gymnasts distract the unwanted attention that might accompany that by high-fiving like a bunch of near sighted sissies. And then to save the gold medal winners from being the most foolish looking asses of the night, the USA steps up and reminds the world that there is a little Vanilla Ice in every dorky boy from the burbs and we’re not afraid to show him off when on national television!

And from here I’m sure someone else will pick up the torch and carry it forward! We can all get along! We really can! We are united by our dorkiness! Dum-Dum, da-dum-dum-dum-dum, Dum-Dum-da-dum, dut-dut-Dum, dut-dut-dut-dut-Dum!