Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Dear Facebook Moms

One of the best parts about the whole Facebook breastfeeding controversy is that its one of the rare occasions when boobs are in the news for something other than having cancer and we’re all free to talk about them for a while without coming off as too pervy. To that end, I’m going to stay on topic for another day and pose a question to the mothers who are posting these pictures of themselves nursing their babies.

I’m still not taking sides here. I still don’t care if you plaster pics of yourselves breastfeeding all over the place, but just how grossed out is your kid going to be in 16 years when he comes across that picture? Seeing pictures of yourself as a baby breastfeeding make those naked toddler in a bathtub with the neighbor kid pictures like a Disney cartoon.

Forget for a moment that it’s this beautiful thing that mothers and babies share. And forget how much you may love these pictures. Start thinking about the little Oedipal Serial Killer you’re raising and how many women who look like you are going to have to get their boobs chopped off by your psycho son after the trauma he experiences of seeing himself doing to you, what he’s been desperately trying to get his teenage girlfriend to let him do for months!

I don’t know what it would be like for a girl. Probably strange, but I know that no guy ever wants to be exposed to that kind of thing. I can guarantee you that one person out there is going to side with Facebook on this one, labeling your breastfeeding photo as obscene: that’s right…it’s the cute little baby in that picture you love so much moms!

Its one thing for a kid to know that he nursed. He can process that information and get on with the rest of his life with only minor side effects, such as speaking to women’s breasts like they were microphones, or spending inordinate amounts of time in titty bars and be happily ignorant of any Oedipal origins that might cause that behavior, but when you give him the imagery to go with it, you’re essentially lighting the fuse on a trauma bomb. He may never be able to happily gaze at a boob again! You could be ruining his entire life! Sure, if you subtract boob-watching from his daily schedule, he’s going to have a LOT more time on his hands, but the consequences will be disastrous!

If you make boobs creepy for your son, there just isn’t any reason for him to ever find a nice girl and get married. Once boobs are out of the picture, guys aren’t going to put up with women! We’re not going to be late for parties because you can’t get your hair right. When you ask if a piece of clothing makes you look fat, we’ll be honest because we really don’t care about the consequences, and you can bet your asses that we won’t ever talk about our feelings! In fact, without boobs, there just isn’t any reason at all for any guy to be in a relationship. Your kid is going to give up, buy a blow up doll and spend his time the way he really wants to, watching SportsCenter in holey underwear, scratching himself, farting and burping to his heart’s content.

But by all means, show your pictures! I mean, it’s only the internet; it’s not like he could ever come across them. Even if you don’t directly show them to him, I’m sure there won’t be any accidents where he finds them. He won’t ever drive his bio-friendly hovercraft over to your house when he’s 30 to help you with your new computer, see a file called Baby Pictures, open it and become hopelessly impotent. It’s all good. Right?

Wrong! Have a heart Facebook moms! And make your choice while you’re at it. His psychologist is going to blame you for everything anyway, but do you really want the doc to be right? Freud is rolling over in his grave! For the love of God, put ‘em away ladies and leave the camera on the shelf until that fateful day when your kid takes a bath with your best friend’s kid and it’s just too cute to not photograph. That picture alone is enough trauma for us to overcome. Don’t add to it. Okay?

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