Crust

I get it now. The upcoming presidential election is now defined. It’s not a question of whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican. It’s not a matter of where you stand on economic issues or foreign policy issues or the war on terrorism. This election boils down to one thing and one thing only:

Do you prefer your crusty old white guy on top or on bottom?

I watched Sarah Palin give her speech last night—my first real chance to judge her and as she spoke it became crystal clear.

The Republicans offer me the crusty old white guy on top with the pretty one who speaks well on the bottom. The Democrats, in contrast, offer me a pretty one who speaks well on top with a crusty old white guy on the bottom.

Where, oh where do I want my crusty old white guy?

It’s hard to say. The world loves a crusty old white guy. Unfortunately for them, neither is really fat enough to gain the Santa Clause vote. I know that I personally prefer my crusty old white guy to have a long white beard and a jelly belly—and a red suit is something that only a crusty old white guy or a pimp can ever truly get away with if we’re being honest.

Neither is tall or thin enough to get the Obi-Wan Kenobi/Gandalf contingent. In the absence of a Santa Clause, having a crazy old wizard isn’t a bad second option, but neither of the crusty old white guys in this election strike me as being wizardly which is a shame, because let’s face it, we could really use someone in charge that has a bit of magic to them.

I have to hand it to McCain in the whole “Who would you rather have as a Grandpa” battle. I mean, he’s got the cool war stories to start with, he totally looks like the kind of guy who might pull a quarter from behind your ear and you can imagine him sneaking you a beer on a fishing trip when you’re 14. Biden—not so much. But McCain loses the Grandpa vote because of his wife. Any woman that old that can inspire wood cannot, under any circumstances be considered grandmotherly and since they are a pair, I’m afraid the grandfather vote is lost.

So, neither of them really distinguishes themselves against the other. Then you have the pretty ones who speak well. Sorry Barrack, I don’t swing that way. And Sarah, you had me right up to the point that you described yourself as a pitbull with lipstick on. That’s just disturbing.

So the question reverts back to the one thing that may be important, in which order to we want them? Pretty Speaker President with Crusty White Guy VP, or Crusty White Guy President with Pretty Speaker VP? Unless McCain or Biden can put on 50 pounds and start acting jolly all the time, this is the criteria on which we have to make our decision.

I, for one, am stumped. I’m not sure where I prefer my crustiness? I’m not sure where the crustiness will better serve our country? Both candidates have lost my respect and all credibility by choosing VP candidates based on what they were told to do instead of what they want to do—regardless of how good either VP candidate they may be or become. They have perfectly balanced out the electoral proceedings though.

Each is offering the same package in a different order. It’s like ordering a happy meal and receiving the toy on top one time and on the bottom on the other. It doesn’t really make a difference does it? The meal still tastes like shit and the little plastic toy is still going to break after 10 minutes of play anyway.

I give up. I want to be excited about the election, but how can I be? They’ve perfectly balanced each other out. Crusty White Guy cancels out Crusty White Guy. Pretty Orator cancels out Pretty Orator. They’re all full of shit on the issues. If these candidates can’t have the conviction to pick a VP that is in line with their beliefs for what makes the country a better place—and instead pick them by demographic information, well how strong will their conviction be on the issues?

Bend over America. We’re about to get fucked again. Which order would you prefer it in?