Well, we’re still here, so I guess the Large Hadron Collider didn’t kill us all huh? Of course, it’ll be a few months before it’s up to full power, so don’t get too cozy or anything, okay? And if, by chance this one doesn’t kill us all, cheer up, they already have plans for a more powerful replacement!
That said, something good has already come from the experiment, Kim Jong Il, under the enormous stress and pressure of having to worry about someone other than him destroying the world went and had himself a stroke. Is it wrong to hear that a guy had a stroke and be happy about it? First Castro, now KJI, you’ve got to figure Bush is next in the whole, strokes for megalomaniacal leaders campaign right?
Speaking of President Bush having a stroke, what happens if the side of his mouth that he currently talks through is the one that shuts down?
I’ve officially reached the point in this election process where I’d prefer to have a pig and a pitbull, both wearing lipstick of course, than Obama, McCain, Biden or Palin as the leaders of my country.
Now that I think about it, Dick Cheney speaks out of one side of his mouth too. Note to self, watch the candidates speaking—don’t pay attention to the bullshit coming out of course—find out if they have the full usage of their mouths when speaking. Vote for the pair that seems to have the best oral control—coincidentally, the same way I choose my dates! Come on, it’s better than choosing based on the lies their all telling, isn’t it?
Read back a bit. I warned you all about Ike. That is all.
The one balled wonder, Lance Armstrong is coming out of retirement to ride in that little bike race they have in France every year. That’s nice. I hope the reporters finally ask him the questions that count this time though. I don’t care about his trysts with the Olsen twins, or about doping allegations, just once I want a reporter to ask him the only thing we all really want to know about him—which side of the seat does the remaining ball ride on Lance?
Hey Jerry Seinfeld, nice commercial about nothing! Who knew that Bill Gates jiggling his ass would be the highlight of a commercial with you in it huh? Is it just me or was there something slightly homoerotic about that commercial? Leather. Ass wiggling. One man—who isn’t a shoe salesman—helping another put his shoes on. I’m not saying…I’m just saying. You know, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Tom Brady is out for the year with a knee injury. That may suck if you’re a fan of the New England Patriots, but how cool is it if you’re Tom Brady huh? Not only do you not get the crap beat out of you for the next few months, but you get to have Gisele Bundchen as your personal nurse! THIS is the stuff fantasies are made of folks.
Finally, this losing streak by my beloved Chicago Cubs must be getting to me. This morning, I went through the drive thru at Dunkin Donuts for my usual summer fare consisting of a large Iced Coffee and an order of hash browns. When they brought the Iced Coffee to the window, it was a medium instead of a large. The window girl got very frustrated and I thought she was about to open a can of whoopass on her staff, but what she did instead literally left me speechless.
She walked down to where the Iced Coffee was, got out a large cup, put more ice in it, then poured the contents of the medium into the large glass with extra ice and brought it back to me with a smile on her face.
I literally stared at her with my mouth wide open for what seemed like 4 or 5 hours. I was too stunned to speak. Noticing that I was having a little trouble moving on, the girl smiled at me and said, “have a nice day!”
So, I left and tried to have a nice day with my medium coffee in a large coffee cup and I’ve got to tell you, when 1:30 pm came around that the LHC didn’t wipe out existence, I was actually a little disappointed.
You just can’t win. At least I can’t.