Scientology vs. France

The Church of Scientology is on trial for fraud in France. Apparently, a woman who said she paid the church more than $34,590 for lessons, books, drugs and an "electrometre," a gadget which the church says can measure a person's mental state got herself all up in arms over none of it working.

I feel the need to write on the subject as quickly as possible, because I’m sure the French will be surrendering promptly, but I have some major problems with Scientology and will take the opportunity to throw them under the bus.

My issues with Scientology are two-fold. There is the glaring problem I like to call The Katie Holmes Conundrum and then there is the whole thing where the religion is based on a science fiction (fiction meaning “made up”) book.

The first issue, and one that is a bit personal to me, is the Katie Holmes Conundrum. You see, Katie was destined to be the mother of my children until the Scientologist’s personal messiah-like figure, Tom Cruise, brainwashed her and turned her into a zombie.

Now, I have to take umbrage with both Maverick and his church over this offense. Sure, it’s true that I’d never met Katie Holmes, that my prospects for ever meeting her were dim at best and that even if we had somehow met I have to acknowledge that it is possible, however unlikely, that she could have been immune to my boyish charm, but who are kidding here? Joey Potter was destined to be mine, and Tom Cruise stole her from me!

And that alone, I could deal with. I’ve had girls stolen from me before (not really, but they say it helps your audience connect if you humanize yourself). It isn’t the theft itself that pisses me off as much as it’s the whole turning her into a zombie-like stepford wife. I like my gals a little spunky and it’s like he put a tap in her and drained all the spunk out. I’m devastated. Not only can I not have her now, but I don’t even want her which is a bit saddening really. So obviously, for that reason alone I’m justified in my hatred of Scientology.

But even before Maverick stole Katie away from me, I found myself to be a little bit incredulous toward this whack-job religion. It’s not so much that they based a religion on a science fiction book as it is which science fiction book they chose.

I mean, if you’re going to be a certified loon and worship characters from a work of science fiction, at least pick the best available work out there! I mean, if Tom Cruise and Vincent Vega decided to be Jedi, I’d still think they were completely batshit, but at least I’d think they were batshit in a good way.

I mean, the people that take StarWars too seriously (and okay, I may or may not be on the fringe of that) are a bit nuts, but at least they are nuts in support of the greatest movie of all time, not some crackpot fringe book about aliens that don’t even have light sabers! I mean, the Force is something you can believe in, at least it’s based on an amalgamation of the beliefs of the worlds major religions. Scientology, on the other hand, is a certified, drink the kool-aid and board the mothership refuge for people who were previously only united in their mastery of creating cardboard cutouts to wear proclaiming that the end was near.

It’s just simply ridiculous that Scientology even exists and I know this case isn’t going to be in the courts for long, the French will be pulling down their pants, bending over and begging Scientology to be gentle and use lube in less than a week, but while it is, before us and in the news, I’d be remiss if I didn’t speak out against it!

And Katie, if you’re still allowed to read and somehow come across this piece, if you can still comprehend the words and this happens to spark some sort of epiphany that helps you break free of the lock this quack religion has over you, before you completely overcome your brainwashing, it may not be a bad idea to repeat the following mantra until it is the very core of your being.

“Chubby guys wearing Cubs hats rule! I want one of those!”

That is all

Beware the dark side!

Today is the opening for the new animated StarWars film, Clone Wars. I have a feeling it’s going to be a bitter pill for Lucasfilm Ltd. to swallow since not only will it not open in the number one spot (gasp!) but worse yet, it’s going to be poorly received by fanboys across the galaxy.

I had an opportunity to see a sneak preview last week and can report, from the perspective of a rabid and self professed StarWars geek that it’s a 90 minute video game that you don’t even get to play. It’s not good. It’s not bad. I actually left the theater feeling kind of indifferent to tell the truth.

The problem with having made three of the most iconic and far reaching movies in the entire history of cinema is that you can’t go back there again and again without drawing comparison to those films. George Lucas found that out quickly enough when he made this prequel trilogy. He’s been taking flak over Jar-Jar Binks character ever since, along with a lot of other criticism.

Some of it is warranted, of course, and other bits are not. People go to see a new StarWars movie desperately wanting to feel the way they did back in the late 70’s and early 80’s when we saw them all for the first time, and therein lies the problem.

Lucas’ original three StarWars movies were made for kids. Adults loved them as well, but the movies were made for kids—and the part of the movies we all love to this day is how watching them brings out the kid in each of us, it takes us back to a better time and place and captures our imagination in a galaxy far, far away.

Lucas has made all of his new StarWars enterprises geared for kids as well, the problem with that is that the fans who felt he owed them something are no longer kids. The part of these fans who accepted quirky droids and furry ewoks was unwilling to accept a flop eared freak with a speech impediment—a character clearly aimed at getting laughs from the kiddies in the audience.

Part of the problem there is the separation between the OT (original trilogy for those of you who should know better but don’t) and the prequels, and specifically, what happened during that time to keep your average StarWars fan nut sated. Lucas allowed the galaxy of science fiction writers and graphic novelists to carry on his vision from the end of Jedi forward, which has come to be known as the Extended Universe.

These adaptations to the StarWars formula grew with the original audience. Many are dark and sexy and intense. While some do hold true to Lucas’ original form of combining high paced action with tender, cute and funny moments, most of them just focus on the dark side of things, if you will.

StarWars fans were kept with whetted appetite by badass villains and hard edged heroes. They endured in their obsession with an increasingly edgy, decidedly deeper, darker and more adult StarWars universe.

StarWars fans perception of the “formula” was drastically changed by the time the newer movies had opened and their opinions reflected that change. I’ll be curious to see their reaction to this new cartoon. I’m curious to see if they’ll grant Lucas a little more leeway in that medium? I suspect not, but remain hopeful.

As I said, it’s a cartoon, and again, though the action is great, it’s aimed at a young audience—not the hardened, jaded fanboys who seem to think that Boba Fett should be in every scene killing everyone who crosses his badass path.

There is a character that is sure to annoy them and will. The plot isn’t of typical StarWars depth and only a couple of the voices are done by the actors who played the actual characters in the movies. There will be plenty to whine about, I can assure you. But for what it is, I suppose it’s fine.

It wasn’t made for me or anyone of my generation.

And who knows what the future holds for the StarWars universe? This cartoon will be segued into a weekly television cartoon show, or perhaps a series of cartoon movies. And there is a live action television series in the works that purportedly will revolve around the life of famed bounty hunter and fan favorite Boba Fett.

Will Lucas offer his older fans a treat in this series and get darker and edgier along with them? Will he remain true to his formula and vision? I’d guess the latter and I can hardly blame him. His feisty fans will claim he’s sold out, given into being a corporation instead of a revolutionary film maker. But perhaps, it wasn’t Lucas who turned to the dark side, perhaps it’s the fans who have grown jaded and cynical.