The Great Debate

One of the most idiotic parts of the Presidential Debates, and let’s face it folks, there is a WHOLE LOT from which we can choose in this arena, is the post debate commentary.

Who won? Who lost? Who connected with the people? Who failed to make that connection? Who lied? Who told the truth? Which candidate advanced their platform the most?

The problem is that the news stations, in order to provide balanced coverage, bring in biased supporters of each candidate in equal numbers and after the debate they go to these talking heads who, very predictably tell us how their candidate won, the other lost and how it was a “clear cut win,” by their side.

The fact of the matter is that very rarely does anyone win a Presidential debate. It’s all just a joke (and it’s on you and I coincidentally). Each side ignores the questions asked, answers with their own rhetoric, buzz words and catch phrases on the subject they want to talk about and then claims victory.

Well I for one am tired of this, so I’d like to suggest a new format for all future debates. The debates will be held in three round competitions, there will be a scoring system and therefore an actual, clear cut winner and instead of respected news journalists moderating, we’ll get Ryan Seacrest to do host it and Randy, Simon and Paula to make commentary about the candidates after each round.

Round One is the Yay or Nay round. The candidates are strapped into chairs and asked questions to which they must provide YES or NO answers. For each failure to answer with either a direct YES or NO, the candidate will have a different soupy food item spilled on their head (a la Nickelodeon) and have points subtracted. The questions will be preselected and voted on by the American people as well. At the end of the round, the candidates get points based on how often their answers were in agreement with those of the people.

Round Two is the Truth or Dare round. The candidates (with any accumulated soupy food items still on them) are hooked up to a polygraph machine. Then they are asked the same questions as they were in round one only phrased differently. Instead of, “As President, will you raise taxes on the middle class?” as they’ll be asked in round one, in round two they’ll be asked, “In round one, you said you would never raise taxes on the middle class, were you just saying that to get elected?” At any time a candidate can refuse to answer a Truth or Dare question, but if he elects to not tell the Truth, he must perform a Dare of the other candidates choosing. One point will be awarded for every truthful answer as detected by the polygraph and one point for any successful dares completed.

Round Three is the Lightning Round. In this round, candidates will be asked a series of questions on their policies, stances and platform. The candidates will get exactly one minute per answer; going overtime will result in electroshock. What? You didn’t think the Lightning Round was all about fast answers did you? Electroshock will also be administered any time a candidate uses pre-formulated marketing phrases or buzz words, like “maverick” or “change,” as well. If, while answering the Lightning Round questions, a candidate chooses to shift the focus off of his answer by attacking his opponent, he will have a point subtracted and more gooey food dumped on him. Since there aren’t really “right or wrong” answers to opinion questions, points will be awarded for answers that a) actually pertain to the question asked, b) don’t involve an attack on the opponent, and c) don’t contain buzzwords and marketing slogans.

Essentially, this round isn’t about right and wrong as much as it is about succinct, intelligent, appropriate answers to the questions asked. This round will be especially shocking to the American people as no candidate has given an answer that qualifies in all three categories in the history of Presidential debates.

At the end of the three rounds, the scores will be tabulated, while the candidates are positioned in their bathing suits on the plank of a carnival dunk tank. Then Seacrest will look deeply into the camera and say, “The winner of this debate is…”

“…someone who’s name I’ll say after a word from our sponsors!” And he’ll cut to commercial for whichever corporate sponsor has bought our political system for the night, letting the candidates sweat it out. Then he’ll come back and make the announcement! The loser will be unceremoniously dumped into a tank full of sewer waste, while the winner will be hoisted from his dunk tank by an army of supermodels who give him a WWE-style championship belt. The song “Real American” will blare from the speakers and the debate winner will get 2 minutes of unfiltered trash talk, chest pounding and muscle posing before the debate is officially over.

It’s all so simple. The ratings would be through the roof. Interest would be piqued causing people to actually want to vote and once the elections were held, we’d have the President on tape giving specific answers to how he would handle things once in office and be able to call him on it if he didn’t.

I’m tired of tee-ball rule debates where “everybody wins.” I’m tired of debates filled with slander and rhetoric, buzzwords and catch phrases. I’m tired of the candidates attacking each other instead of answering questions. And I really miss seeing chocolate syrup dumped on people for giving wrong answers! And let’s face it, you can never go wrong with polygraph machines and electroshock!

It’s time to make our Presidential debates mean something again. It’s time for winners and losers, not posturing and primping. I have imparted my formula for the perfect debate on you America, do not waste it! That is all. God Bless America!