I’ve been reading a lot of Vonnegut lately, which has me in the frame of mind to start thinking about what aliens might make of this election if they were hanging out amongst us. I wonder what they’d make of some bald guy known as Joe the Plumber stalking the campaign trail for John McCain. I’d have to guess that taking a step back and observing things like that would lead to only one possible conclusion, the people of Earth, specifically these Americans who run the most powerful nation on this planet, are a bunch of freaking morons!
They wouldn’t be wrong.
We are a bunch of freaking morons. The media walks out in front of us, holding the standard of our people and we the sheep follow behind, a parade of fools, who are content to just go along for the ride.
I’m just trying to imagine this poor alien creature, hiding among us, observing our election—possibly the most important election in the past 20 years—and having to formulate a report to the alien commander about the state of this nation.
Report: Election for Earthling Leader of USA
To: Zargon, Imperial Overlord of the 7th Sector
From: Pibat, Senior Reconnaissance Officer of the Warsep Fleet
Report: The Earthling inhabitants of the nation called USA are, as we have always known, a curious lot. Their economy is in great peril, their health care system is chaotic, their educational system is lax and their leaders are largely corrupt and beholden to the businesses and corporations of their nation.
The humans of this nation seem to want to care about these issues, but like the creatures they call dogs and keep as pets, they are easily distracted by shiny objects and opportunities to fetch bouncing balls and of course, sticks.
One candidate has limited experience, but has detailed plans as to how he wishes to make the lives of the humans under his leadership better. The other candidate hasn’t mentioned very many specific things he would do to best run the country though.
It is curiously strange that he is able to compete in this election with that strategy. He obviously spends his allotted campaign money on shiny objects, bouncing balls and of course, sticks.
He has employed the following strategies:
Appointing, as his potential second in command, a female of the species who speaks and acts like she may, in fact, possess male genitals, but looks curiously like one of the 50 most attractive of their species as documented in a periodical called People. Strangely, the celebrity this potential #2 looks like does not like her political look-a-like.
Overuse, to the point of wanting to disintegrate one of your 17 brains, of the word “maverick.” Maverick was a popular television show and later a movie starring the same man who made the silly movie about aliens who were destroyed by water (the same movie that spent 57 weeks as the number one comedy on our planet). Maverick was also the nickname of a pilot in another movie about the pilot of one of the primitive earthling flying machines. This “maverick” had a best friend named Goose, who died. Goose went on to become a doctor while Maverick jumped on the couch of a woman screaming about a woman he brainwashed into thinking that she is infected by alien spirits that come from a volcano—and that every time she poops, she gets closer to being pure. I have tried to understand why such allusions are beneficial, but in this instance, I am simply unable to understand how the humans can possibly think these comparisons are good ones.
The use of a mascot named Joe the Plumber. By all accounts, this human who repairs the tunnels through which human wastes flow is not one of the brightest of their species. When recently asked to qualify one of his opinions, he suggested that those interested in knowing why he believed that a vote for the other candidate would be the end of another country called Israel, he answered that those interested in knowing why he believed this should look it up on the human information system known at the internet. To this observer, it appeared that he knew he was supposed to think what he did, but was unsure of why he should think it. His puppeteer must have forgotten to tell him.
Perhaps the most prevalent tactic employed is the association of the other candidate to people the Earthlings have never heard of before, but whom they are assured, are bad people. It seems that the humans are easily swayed by associations. It has come to the attention of this operative that the most shocking of these allegations is to be unveiled only 3 days before the election in an attempt at an endgame strategy. It will be announced, with a wealth of evidence to support it that the opposition candidate’s mother’s counsin’s step-father once engaged in a homosexual act with the son of a man who loaned an undisclosed amount of money to evil dictator Adolph Hitler when he was a starving artist. It is expected that this information will swing the vote away from the frontrunner, who will then lose in a landslide.
The final shiny object employed is misinformation about the opposition’s religious beliefs, ethnicity and ties to what the humans call terrorists. It seems the perpetrators of the infamous attacks on World Trade Center buildings (see my report filed on earth date 9/12/01) have names that sound similar to the front running candidate. The attackers were Islamic Fundamentalists, which is a bastardization of the religion known as Islam. The candidate with an Islamic-sounding name has been associated with this bastardization, even though he believes in the same God as the other candidate. It is unfathomable as to how the humans can be fooled into thinking this candidate is an Islamic Fundamentalist, or even a peaceful member of the religion of Islam, because earlier in the election, this same candidate was tied to a minister of a Christian faith who preached controversial views. Supporters of the candidate flashing this particular shiny object seem completely oblivious that the two ideas contradict each other.
It is the conclusion of this officer that as we had previously suspected, the above evidence can only support the theory that the human race is going through a de-evolution (oh shit, remind me to tell you what the one candidate’s prospective second in command believes about evolution—we’ll have a great laugh!) process and within the next 5 decades, the entire species, led by the humans in this country, will revert to being apes. This officer believes therefore that the need to overthrow the planet by force is unnecessary as it’s inhabitants will be flinging poo at each other in less than a century. Plans should be made immediately for the evacuation of our planet for relocation to Earth.
I will keep you posted as to the result of the election and the further apeification of the human race.
All Hail Gartex the Magnificent!
SRO Ufiness Pibat, Warsep Fleet