Do you ever feel left out when your black friends are calling each other the n-word and throwing it around like it’s nothing, and you have to sit there not being able to use it back? It sucks doesn’t it? I mean, you know it’s wrong to throw the n-word out there being the pasty-ass cracker that you are, but it seems so exclusionary when you’re in a social setting and everyone there gets to use it but you right?
Well no more! I refuse to be isolated and made to feel like I’m not part of the crowd! I refuse to be discriminated against in such a callous and malicious way. I refuse to feel awkward when someone throws a rap CD on or while listening to Chris Rock do standup!!!!
So I propose this and I urge you all to adopt this policy and spread it around the world. Make it so prevalent that soon, everyone forgets that the n-word ever existed as a term of brotherhood and all the cool people in the world use this new, improved, and all inclusive replacement word: NINJA
That’s right? Who’s my ninja?
Where my ninjas at?
Yo ninja, how’s it hanging?
And just think of the song possibilities! Wouldn’t the Geto Boys classic rap, featured in the movie Office Space have been better if Ron Livingston could have sung along:
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
A real gangsta-ass ninja plays his cards right
A real gangsta-ass ninja never runs his fuckin mouth
Cuz real gangsta-ass ninja don't start fights
And ninjas always gotta high cap
Showin' all his boys how he shot em
But real gangsta-ass ninja don't flex nuts
Cuz real gangsta-ass ninjas know they got em
And everythings cool in the mind of a gangsta
Cuz gangsta-ass ninjas think deep
Up three-sixty-five a year 24/7
Cuz real gangsta ass ninjas don't sleep
I mean, I don’t flex nuts! But I could never properly explain that to a bitch until now! Now, that I’m putting forth, what I like to call, The Ninja Substitution Rule, I can tell all the ho’s I want to how I don’t flex nuts!!!!!
I can’t do this alone though. As influential and popular as I am, I alone cannot elevate the use of The Ninja Substitution Rule and make it prevalent throughout popular culture without your help! You must immediately embrace The Ninja Substitution Rule and make it a part of your daily vernacular. At every available opportunity you must greet friends and family by saying, “What’s up ninja?” You must be responsible for letting your ninjas know who they are and for teaching them The Ninja Substitution Rule. It is also your responsibility to ensure that The Ninja Substitution Rule is being enacted properly. For instance, don’t underestimate the importance of pronunciation. When indoctrinating your African American friends to The Ninja Substitution Rule, it is advisable that you over-pronunciate the word ninja until they are completely comfortable with the fact that you’re not trying to slip one past them. It is the advice of this counsel that, in this setting, you say, “What’s up niiiiiiin-JA?” We advise this protocol after preliminary testing of The Ninja Substitution Rule resulted in several beat downs and must insist that you monitor the usage of The Ninja Substitution Rule amongst your ninjas for this very reason.
The goal of the Ninja Substitution Rule is to promote equality amongst all, and to eliminate the very harsh reality of vocabulary segregation, which has become an extremely difficult problem for white suburban kids who simply want to sing along to their favorite rap songs, but cannot due to racially explicit language. Eventually, we foresee a point where the word ninja will replace the n-word in all instances where it is used in the context of being one’s friend, associate, compatriot, ally, comrade, buddy, pal or acquaintance. By the year 2010 our goal is to have an n-word free society where we all can live in harmony as each other’s ninjas.
Finally, we would be remiss if we did not mention, in this politically correct society in which we live, that we have the full support of the Ninja Community in our efforts. In a statement, Ninja spokesperson Hattori Hanzo was quoted as saying, “On behalf of ninja’s everywhere, I fully approve of the usage and enactment of The Ninja Substitution Rule. I feel that in this small way, we members of the Worldwide Ninja Community can help promote peace and put an end to verbal segregation. Furthermore, that bastard Johnny Depp, in recent years has made stupid fucking pirates out to be cooler than ninjas, which any dumbass knows couldn’t possibly be true, and so we encourage the usage of The Ninja Substitution Rule as a reminder to all that ninjas are in fact and always will be cooler than pirates. I mean, you never hear anyone calling someone else a butt ninja do you? No, but butt pirates are everywhere!”
Mr. Hanzo’s statement went on to bash pirates for more than 4 hours and so we could not print it in it’s entirety, but we hope you get the basic gist of it.
So, in closing, I will say that you are all my ninjas. Spread the word of The Ninja Substitution Rule, good luck and God bless.
Albert A. Riehle
Director and Founder
The Society for an End to Vocabulary Segregation