Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Help Wanted


Seeking energetic, unmarried (and therefore virginal—because you’re all about the abstinence until marriage thing) conservative politician for important position within the government. Previous experience isn’t important, but the applicant must be able to keep it in his/her pants, believe abortion is murder, gay people are gay by choice and shouldn’t be allowed to get married, poor people suck, rich people rule, Dinosaurs walked the Earth only 3000 years ago, the best way to solve a problem is to bomb the fuckers, poor people don’t need healthcare because if they start dying off we won’t have to support their broke asses anymore and of course, that all socialist ideas lead to communism.

The applicant must be at least 35 years old. If your skin is brown (even if you just have a really good tan) you move to the top of the list—same goes for applicants with boobs. If you’re male or have white/grey hair, we unfortunately cannot consider you at this time.

Must be an effective orator, have their own Twitter and Facebook accounts, be able to name at least 3 Miley Cyrus songs and be able to complete an entire interview with Jon Stewart without looking like a complete idiot.

We have officially run out of candidates for this position because each has proven to be an idiot, an adulterer, or spends too much time hunting moose from helicopters and not enough time teaching her teenaged daughter how to roll a damn condom on remain virtuous pure and chaste until marriage.

All applicants meeting the above criteria will be given serious consideration. Those with who can prove incurable impotence will be become automatic finalists.

Start Date: 2012 (however, some preliminary work will be required before then)

Please send applications to: R. Limbaugh at:

Thank you, and God Bless America!
(and by America, we mean only the people living here legally who make six figures or above)


Kira. said...

I only have the boobs.
Should I still apply?

Kira. said...

Oh! And the brown skin.
Double whammy!

I just realized I also have Twitter & Facebook. Okay, that's all I have. Nothing else is applicable to me.

hushed said...

I guess I can't apply... I don't know three Miley Cyrus songs. :( I so wanted to be the next conservative uneducated ass too... ;)

Sarah Madison Caldwell said...

Hm... Boobs... Twitter and Facebook... Does clubbing people on the back of the head constitute "good speaking skill"?

Kate said...

you rock my world!

Anonymous said...

Are we going to have a polygamous marriage with Kate? She's clearly a smart one. :)

Beverly said...

Bravo! I think I got someone right here that can apply in two years. I know, I know. Not soon enough.

Malachi said...

Damn! I so wanted to be the next one but I'm not virginal. But I haven't had sex in so long I forgot what it's like. Does that count?