Saturday, April 4, 2009

Iowa is soooooo gay.

Well, it looks like Iowa, a far west suburb of Chicago, has paved the way to make gay marriage legal there. I've always liked Iowa. No one will ever give them their own sports teams, so those crazy Iowans have adopted Chicago teams as their own. Specifically the Cubs. The Cubs have our AAA team based there and when I was at Spring Training last year there were as many people from Iowa there as there were from Chicago. Iowa was also the place where darkhorse candidate Barack Obama became a real contender for the job of President.

So, I'm excited and proud of my far-west Chicago suburb friends in the little town of Iowa today and I'm excited for their future. Since gay marriage is only going to be legal in three states, you have to assume there will be a large influx of fabulous coming to Iowa and not a moment too soon! Overalls have been in need of some glam for years and this will obviously help that to happen. It won't be long until you see overalls with glitter, pink and rainbow colored overalls, and of course designer overalls. It's been a much maligned article of clothing and I really think the influx of gay men specifically will help to revitalize and bring current this staple of American farming apparel.

And how awesome is it that the face of farming is going to be changing? Right now, the farming community has a bad rep. When you think of farmers, you think of redneck, inbred, dim witted field jockeys who speak slow and wear a constant look of confusion on their faces. Not for long! Fabulous Farmers are on the way! I mean, gay people got their name because they seem so damn happy--which, before they stole it, was the actual meaning of the word gay. The Fabulous Farmers will change the face of rural America. Say goodbye to the bland red barns you used to see while travelling through Iowa folks. Instead of seeing farm after farm that look the exact same, prepare yourself for barn watching to see what crazy color combination and decorative accoutraments those crazy Fabulous Farmers have come up with now!

And when you actually get onto the farm, don't be suprised to see that the cows aren't named Betsy and Daisy anymore. Cow names will now be Cassandra and Felicity and Porcia--you won't know if you're on a farm or in a stripclub! And the days of bland, unaccessoriezed cows is in the past. The bell will no longer be the standard neckwear for cowkind. Beautiful scarves, necklaces, chokers, feather boas and other fab accessories will take their place. And those numbers you see pierced through the ears of cows? No more! Oh, those ears will still be pierced, but now with cow jewelry instead! The fabulification of Iowa farms may actually be the turning point in the revitalization of our economy!

Its going to be great. I know, I know, this is a serious issue to a lot of people and my intent is not to demean it. I'm on record as being in favor of secular gay marriage and I'm happy that Iowa stepped up to the plate and did something about it. Its one thing for those liberal lefty pansy states on the East Coast to make gay marriage legal, but another entirely for a midwest stalwart like Iowa to do it. So with all sincerity to those who feel strongly about this issue, congratulations and may there be many who follow Iowa's example. Dye or not, I've always wanted to see a purple cow.


Sarah Madison Caldwell said...

Yay, Iowa!!!

Anonymous said...

I have been absent for a very valid reason, but any attempt I might have had at regaining my razor wit has just been foiled ... and very pleasantly so!