Well, it’s December and Thanksgiving is behind us, the first snow of the year is outside my door waiting to be shoveled, so I suppose it’s officially the dreaded HOLIDAY SEASON. As much as I’d love to deny it, as much as I wish it weren’t so, there just doesn’t seem to be any way to put it off any longer.
This promises to be an especially dark Christmas. There is something out there, something so horrible and so frightening that I give pause to even mentioning it. I choose to do so only because you can’t possibly avoid hearing about it—and worse, hearing it.
Yes my friends, you guessed it. The Christmas Nightmare I’m referring to is The Greatest Songs of the 80’s---AS PERFORMED BY BARRY FREAKING MANILOW!!!!
Now, I am a child of the 80’s. And I love my 80’s music. Almost all of the ringtones on my phone are 80’s songs. My Sirius satellite radio is currently tuned into the 80’s station. I have several 80’s compilations CDs (as performed by their original artists, thank you very much). So, it’s safe to say that the music of the 80’s has a very special place in my heart.
Would you like to know who doesn’t have a very special place in my heart? Barry Freaking Manilow! And before any you crazy Fanilows try to get all up in my business about this issue, know that I will defend to my very death the contention that Manilow should be tarred, feathered, hung and shot for this dastardly deed!
This is just wrong! This is wrong like Britney Spears teaching a parenting class. This is wrong like cats and dogs making out. This is wrong like Rosie O’Donnell doing naked jumping jacks. It’s wrong I say!
It’s bad enough that Manilow is butchering songs from music’s greatest decade, but what’s potentially even more disturbing is that he has decided that he should choose the decade’s best songs! Some examples of what, in Manilow’s opinion are the greatest songs of this decade? Islands in the Stream, on which he duets with Reba McEntire is the first. Shame on you Reba! Dolly and Kenny are rolling over in their graves of irrelevance over this outrage!
Tired of being rickrolled? Well prepare to be barrolled because Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up is one of the best songs of the 80’s according to Barry. You may be surprised to find out that Stevie Wonder recorded one of the best songs of the 80’s with I Just Called To Say I Love You—even Stevie can see that has to be a mistake!
I can live with him butchering songs I don’t care about though. Obviously, they aren’t even in the conversation for best songs of the 80’s, but butcher away Manilow, I don’t care! But when you start butchering Open Arms by Journey and Against All Odds by Phil Collins we have an issue Barry! You can sing Right Here Waiting and knock off that no-talent assclown Richard Marx all you want, but you have no business touching Cyndi Lauper’s Time After Time!
And it’s just so sad that you, Barry Manilow are the first straight guy to record the great Wham song, Careless Whisper. I don’t really care who else may have done it, but why God? Why couldn’t it have been a man who covers up his chest hair?
I’m distraught. I’m saddened beyond grief. Sure, you say that if I don’t want to be exposed to these songs, just don’t buy the CD right? Wrong! Barry Manilow is like a virus! When he puts out a CD, it is immediately piped into our malls and elevators, the lobbies of our doctor’s and dentist’s office will be infected for years to come. You cannot run from Barry Manilow and you cannot hide! He spreads like wildfire—the evil Fanilow’s will see to it! We will all be infected!!! There is no escape!!!!!
And for those of you who are children of the 90’s out there laughing at me, enjoy it while it lasts I say! The assured success of this CD will only embolden Barry! You’re next! Just wait until Smells Like Teen Spirit get covered by Manilow! Cobain will roll over in his grave! Dr. Dre will openly weep when Nuthin But A G Thang is covered and Snoop Dogg literally rip the braids from his head! Close your eyes my friends, now picture Manilow onstage rapping, “All right stop! Collaborate and Listen M-lows back with a brand new addition, something, grabs a hold of you tightly flows like a harpoon daily and nightly, will it ever stop, yo—I don’t know, turn off the light and I’ll glow, to the extreme I rock a mike like a vandal, light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle, Barry, Barry baby! Duh-dun-dun-dun-dada-dun-dun, Vanilla Barry, Barry baby!
The only thing that might be worse will be Manilow’s cover of Hanson’s Mmmbop!
So, bah freaking humbug, I say to you! My holiday has been ruined. Manilow has conspired to ruin Christmas! And he will ruin elevator rides and doctor’s visits for years to come. I will cringe with every playing of an 80’s classic by this no-talent loser! Go back to the 70’s where you belong Barry! Go back to your platform shoes and your butterfly collars! Your Fanilows will continue to buy your crappy CDs of songs from that decade. Stay the hell out of the 80’s!!!! And thanks for ruining my Christmas!!!!