Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Four Whores of the Apocalypse

I have a theory. I have a theory and I’m going to go ahead and try it out here. It all came to me in a dream. Okay, let’s be honest here, it may or may not have been more of a fantasy than a dream, but I’d like to stipulate for the record that it occurred at night while my eyes were, in fact, closed.

You see, this all started with a friend mentioning to me that the Mayan Long Count Calendar ends in 2012 and that it is theorized by others that the Mayans saw this as the end of the world. Of course it’s theorized by others that it’s a random point in the future they thought was “far enough” to look ahead to when putting it together in the first place.

I’m not a big fan of math, so I can certainly understand getting to what I like to call, the “screw this” point, where the Mayan mathematicians and astrologers figured that it was best left to someone else to continue the calendar and retired to their homes for a few beers and some hot wings.

This understanding aside, quite a few people believe that the Mayans knew something and that the world will be coming to an end. If so that means the end of the world is a little over four years away. I, for one, believe it. I actually think the Mayans may have actually overestimated by a few years. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the world ended in the next year or two based on this little theory of mine.

Allow me to explain.

I believe that the Book of Revelations was misinterpreted. I don’t think it was supposed to be the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse at all. Maybe it was the context, maybe it was an interpretation problem, but I believe that the end of the world will be ushered in, not by Four Horsemen, but by the Four Whores of the Apocalypse.

My theory, which admittedly was anally liberated and composed after a night where I accidentally lost track of the number of pints of Harp I’d consumed is that we are already in the End Times. The end of the world is upon us and the possibility exists that at any moment, existence as we know it can be concluded.

You see, my theory is this: The Four Whores of the Apocalypse signify the end of the world. When all four appear and unite, Armageddon is upon us. Through diligent research and careful examination, I have identified three of the prophesized Whores.

Pestilence is Britney Spears. She is a virulent and highly infectious disease that can cause an epidemic or even a pandemic. We are all infected with the Britney Virus. She plagues our televisions, our radios, our news programs, our newspapers and our Google. She cannot be escaped. She seemed so innocent and harmless at first, in her White knee high stockins, but she’s taken root and there is no known cure. Britney Spears is the disease that will claim us all. It is a disease of the mind and eventually, we will all throw ourselves from building tops just to avoid hearing one more inane story about Britney Freakin’ Spears!

War is Lindsey Lohan. She doesn’t ride the traditional red horse, but her hair is aflame and she is certainly embodies the color of Mars. I knew she was the devil when I heard she agreed to star in a movie with Jane Fonda. Who better to learn about traitorous warfare from than Persephone her own self? Now she is unleashed upon us and posed to strike. She thirsts for blood and destruction. She binges on alcohol and drugs, lacking the patience to wait for the appointed time, rehabbing only to keep up her human-like appearance. When the end comes, the great war will take place behind the manipulations and contriving of the evil warmonger, Lindsey Lohan!

Famine is Paris Hilton. Never before has someone who considers herself “hot” been so sickly thin. If a plane headed to an eating disorder clinic crashed on a frozen mountain and Paris Hilton was one of the survivors, she would be among the last to be eaten because she’s so bony and emaciated. A few years back when she made that porno tape I was afraid the poor girl was going to crack right down the middle she was so skinny. She is the very symbol of starvation and hunger. I dare say the Hilton family has enough money to feed her. She chooses her appearance because the identity of her true self, not because skeletal is the new Black. When unleashed, she will be the catalyst of the final famine, we will all walk the world looking as sickly as Paris Hilton!

And that leaves Death. The Pale one, the final Whore of the Apocalypse will appear soon and behind her comes the final judgment. Death is the only one of the Whores I’ve yet to identify and I believe that is because she has yet to reveal herself for what she truly is to the world. It won’t be someone we suspect. For instance, it’s not Courtney Love, Madonna or Amy Winehouse. Those choices are too obvious. Look to the other Whores, to their beginnings to find clues as to who the fourth Whore will be. They all start cute and sweet and innocent. They do not begin as antichrist figures, they evolve into their true selves. The world, their celebrity, their power corrupts them until their true identities reveal themselves.

And so I warn you friends, look to Miley Cyrus, Amanda Bynes and the non-evil Olsen Twin. When one of them starts to turn, when you see the evil seep into their now innocent personalities, know that we are on the brink of the arrival of the Fourth Whore of the Apocalypse and with her, she will bring the end of the world. For what it’s worth, my money is on Miley Cyrus. Sure, her little Hannah Montana bit is cute now, but do not forget that she is the spawn of the devil himself! Nothing is more satanic than the two evils Billy Ray Cyrus brought upon the world: Achy Breaky Heary & The Mullet. It seems fitting that his daughter would be the final piece in Armageddon’s puzzle.

This is my theory, cultivated in the proving grounds of my colon and unleashed now upon the world. You feel it don’t you? You know it’s not some crackpot theory of evangelical idiocy as are so many of the end of the world theories. There’s no Kool-aid to drink. I don’t want your money. I’ve said this not to frighten or disturb you, but to simply tell you the truth. And when the Fourth Whore of the Apocalypse appears in the next couple of years, you will know that I am a prophet and wish you’d stopped putting money in your 401k.


Indiana Jonesing said...

You've outdone yourself. This is both hysterical and frightening at the same time!

I'm telling all my friends that I've heard it here first.

Anonymous said...